actually, some more thoughts...

So I am waiting in the center at this crazy cyber club that has shrek pictures everywhere. I am waiting for Kristi and I´m sitting here listening to little boys scream "culeado" (which means fuck in Argentina) over and over because they are playing videogames. And I´m thinking, wow, it was just my birthday last year. Time goes faster and faster as I grow up. And i´m feeling really nostalgic. I´ve always been scared of growing up, I have always wanted to avoid it. I know that´s completely impossible. Yet I cant help but feel I´ve wasted so much time just sitting on my ass (excuse my "french" ha, ha) I don´t want to do that anymore. I have this conflict in my mind of staying my age and going out to party and hang out with friends, and traveling and learning and all that. I don´t know why it´s a conflict though. I feel like I´m rushed, and I hate it. Thus arises the conflict. But it´s pointless when I try to really analyze it. It shouldn´t be two opposing ideas or ways of living. One should be able to do both. Yet I feel guilty when I´m doing one and not the other. Why? I don´t know. Okay this is all word vomit. I don´t even really know what I´m writing. But Ive just been thinking, while my 19th birthday creeps up on me, where I was last year. I was not in a very good place. I wasn´t surrounded by the greatest people. They were not bad people, but they were not inspiring in many ways. In fact, some of them just held me down. My friend Ignacio here in Argentina asked me about the tattoo I have of an anchor. He asked what it meant, and when I told him it symbolized stability and something to hold me down during a (hypothetical) storm, he asked me whether it was something that was holding me down (grounding me) or something holding me back. He viewed it as something that was like a fence, or a cage. Something that reminded me to hold myself back and watch out. Be careful, I guess. I never viewed it that way. In fact, I dont want to view it that way. But it was interesting because it never occured to me. I guess in a way there are always people like that in your life that act as an anchor, whether good or bad. I tried to explain to him that anchors usually serve a good purpose, when there´s a storm, it keeps you grounded. But he said that when you want to stay in the same place, you also put down an anchor as a guard. It struck me as kind of weird, to think of it that way. Oh well. Okay, this is serious blabber. I don´t really even know where I began or what I was talking about. Okay!! Hasta Mañana mi amor(s)